Now no lure, Rulon won

I think that we need to change the list of Chuck Norris Facts, to the list of Rulon Gardner Facts. Especially now that we know Chuck is a bible-thumping pussy.

Seriously, Rulon Gardner is indestructible. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals Rulon Gardner allows to live. Rulon Gardner doesn't use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma. Rulon Gardner doesn't get frostbite, he bites frost.

Doesn't it work so much better?

Name no one man

I wonder if this pastor from Oklahoma City knows our good friend Ted Haggard?

Draw a level award.

Shaquille O'Neal called the last two MVP awards given by the NBA 'tainted'. Those awards were won by wily Canadian Steve Nash, who definitely earned them, though an argument could be made for Kobe Bryant last season.

Here's some advice for you, Shaq. Why don't you shut the hell up, and stick to doing what you do best, which is resting your aching body until the playoffs. What's that? Oh, you might not even make the playoffs? Maybe it's time to start thinking about retirement. I used to enjoy your antics, but you may have overstayed your welcome...

Love,
Shap

Guns to Obama: boot snug?

I'm really starting to like this guy.

Yell avoid art radio valley

By now you've probably heard that the two major satellite radio providers XM and Sirius are planning to merge. I predicted this a couple of years ago, but I'm not here toot my own horn. I want to show why the merger doesn't violate any anti-trust regulations, and should be allowed to proceed.

USA Today had conflicting editorials regarding the merger, including this scathing attack by private media consultant Jimmy Schaeffler: Reject their request

It seems like Schaeffler's only legitimate gripe is that neither XM nor Sirius has demonstrated profitability, possibly due to poor business planning. He takes the attack too far however:

Moreover, it is disingenuous, if not ludicrous, to suggest that XM and Sirius face financial woes because of threats from Internet radio, iPods or alternative music platforms.

Well, I don't think anybody is arguing that the companies' financial woes stem entirely from competition from Internet radio and iPods, so your disingenuous straw man is easily squashed. However, I think the argument in itself is disingenuous, because he is making the case that satellite radio is a market unto itself, and faces no competition from outside sources. This is clearly false.

I got Sirius with my new Jeep last year, including a 1-year trial subscription. I won't be renewing when the trial period ends, mainly due to the fact I can bring my iPod in the car with me and listen to whatever I want. Other reasons include workable free radio options in the Denver area, and cheap factory dashboard displays on all Chrysler cars.

XM and Sirius may have been built upon poor business models, but that's not the only reason for their lack of success thus far. The main obstacles to their profitability have been competition between the companies, as well as from iPods, terrestrial and HD radio, the internet and wi-fi, and even digital cable. They also have to pay the government for use of their airwaves, about $90 million each, a fee not levied upon terrestrial radio broadcasters.

The bottom line is, this merger can only benefit both companies and their subscribers. The competition between XM and Sirius wasn't helping anyone, so why not give them a chance to provide comprehensive radio coverage, in order to compete fairly in their own market. If they can't do a good job as a provider, then we as consumers don't have to buy their product because we have plenty of other options. It's really that simple.

No, I tax every pyre vexation

Great article by Rolling Stone writer Matt Taibbi: Maybe We Deserve to be Ripped Off by Bush's Billionaires (warning: liberal media bias)

We can't afford to repeal the estate tax at this point. I definitely agree with Obama's view on this issue.

Dogma: I am God

Repenting made easy: iGod

Just don't ask him anything about robots.

Mother at song no star, eh Tom?

I decided that I'm going to start a Tom Petty cover band. I am dead serious about this. I will go it alone, if I have to, but I just don't see how this wouldn't work. These are the songs I already know:

Free Fallin'
Won't Back Down
Last Dance w/ Mary Jane
Learning to Fly
Refugee
You Wreck Me
American Girl
The Waiting
Into the Great Wide Open

Not a bad start, right? I need to rehearse for a bit, but I think I could nail all those songs. If I add a few more, that should be about an hour's worth of entertainment. I'll probably have to start at open mics and coffee shops, but I think this could be a lucrative opportunity on the bar scene, down the road.

Drab as a fool, aloof as a bard.

Quote from Dubya's press release yesterday, Feb. 14th:

One of the problems -- not specifically on this issue, just in general -- let's put it this way, money trumps peace, sometimes. In other words, commercial interests are very powerful interests throughout the world.

Good explanation, George. First-draft has some more analysis of the press conference: Your President Speaks!

Mirth, sir, a gay asset? No, don't essay a garish trim.

You gotta admit, Tim Hardaway has got some balls. The guy knows how he feels, and is not afraid to let it be known. Most of us may not agree with him, but you gotta respect the guy's right to speak his mind.

Come on, it's not like he's running for president.

A slut was I ere I saw Tulsa

OK, I have an announcement to make. It is entirely possible, that I, Shap, am the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. I mean, I do get pretty drunk sometimes, and I don't always remember what I was doing. I'll bet my chances are better than getting struck by lightning...

(Obviously this is a joke, but maybe it will get me some traffic!)

Joking aside, wouldn't you rather have a dose of reality?

UPDATE: No visitors today, as of 3:30PM Wednesday. Apparently my little ruse didn't work so well.

Name, career: free race, man.

Vincent Carroll of the Rocky Mountain News exposes some extremely shallow racism in the Cherry Creek School District. I'm pretty much dumbfounded.

Luckily, conservative blogger La Shawn Barber has some insight.

I'm not sure what to think of this, it almost seems too ridiculous to be true.

Star Wars awe was raw rats.

According to the 2001 Census for each country, the 4th largest religion in England and Wales, and the 2nd largest religion in New Zealand is...

Jedi.

I know Star Wars junkies are geeks, but that is one of the greatest practical jokes I've heard about in a while...

Um, it is a joke, right? I mean, you can't honestly expect me to believe that you could use the writings of a 20th century science-fiction author as the basis of a religion? Right???

Deny a God, O gay Ned?

BltnWanderer points out that today's Denver Post headline should elicit some hearty laughs: Haggard says he is not gay

If you're not familiar with the story, Ted Haggard was a big-time evangelical preacher at a megachurch called New Life Church, in Colorado Springs, CO. Last year, the guy got caught, and after much coersion admitted to, having sex with a male prostitute and using crystal meth.

Apparently, he now writes for The Onion, under the pseudonym Bruce Heffernan.

Snore, bosom, sock, cosmos, Oberons

Nonsense, I know. I wanted to post something today.

60 degrees here in Denver today, it made me long for the days of summer, and one of my favorite beers: Oberon, by Bell's Brewery.

Other things to look forward to about the summer: cookouts, concerts at Red Rocks, and hiking 14ers.

Those of you out in the cold right now, think warm!

Snug guns.

I don't even think I have to say anything here. The website speaks for itself: Armed America

In words, alas, drown I.

OK, I think just about everyone who watches any College Basketball knows how annoying Dick Vitale can be while calling a game.

Here's proof: Card Chronicle lists 156 items that Dickie V. discussed during a single Louisville/Connecticut game, that had nothing to do with the game itself.

(OK, as I was posting this, I discovered that Deadspin had the story like two weeks ago, kudos to those guys. This isn't a 'scoop' blog, though.)

If I had a hi-fi...

One website that I check almost daily is woot.com. It's basically a website with deals on things that have been discontinued, refurbished, etc. The catch is, they only offer 1 thing per day (i.e. one deal per day, until they're sold out). Today, it's a 5MP digital camera for $89, yesterday it was that ugly pink speaker you see pictured for $4 (plus $5 for shipping, which is a flat rate for all items sold on the website.) The best part about the site is the descriptions of the products, which are often hilarious, and extremely candid. Here's an example from a $30 car alarm that they were offering:

Antisocial Security

OK, any car thieves out there who are actually deterred by a car alarm, raise your hands. Nobody? That’s what we thought.

Alright, now, any private citizens who hear a car alarm and think “uh-oh, larceny in progress, better alert the authorities” instead of “I wonder what the guy who owns that car would look like with the alarm stuffed into his rectum”, raise your hands. Anybody? Anybody at all? No?

And yet, certain people keep manufacturing and selling car alarms, and certain other people keep buying them. Like the death march of the lemmings or the self-flagellation of religious penitents, this irrational phenomenon escapes our understanding. But that doesn’t mean we’re above making a quick buck off it.

So here’s the Boa Transformable Vehicle Security System, guaranteed to make you the least popular resident on your block. Its sensors can tell when somebody fiddles with the ignition, breaks a window, or breathes in its general direction. It’s ideal for driving your pesky neighbors away. And if you’re paying too much in property taxes, well, nothing lowers real estate values like an incessantly wailing piezo siren. Sure, it’s lightweight and easy to use. So is a plastic fork, but that doesn’t mean it’ll keep your car from getting stolen.

It's not somewhere you'd go if you know exactly what you want, if that's your case you're better off with Pricegrabber or Froogle. Woot is a lot more spontaneous, and exciting, though. In the past year or so, I've scored a wireless mouse/keyboard, a dvd player, and a set of speakers for my iPod.

Star Comedy Men: Enemy Democrats?

So this guy Dinesh D'Souza wrote this book about how 9.11.2001 was caused by the terrorists' anger towards secular America and progressive culture. His solution is to go back to conservative values in America, take away civil rights for minorities and homosexuals, and keep women in the kitchen, etc...

Let me see if I have his logic down: Let's say Canada decides that they're going to take out a border city, say Buffalo, or Detroit. Dinesh's solution would be to legalize gay marriage and pot? Give me a break. Dinesh, we know that you're educated...either you're not being honest with us, or you're not being honest with yourself, which is it?

So, anyways, people start laying in to this guy, from the New York Times to Stephen Colbert.

In response, he tries to portray himself as the victim of vicious personal attacks, but most people saw right through his b___s___.

Frankly, Mr. D'Souza, most people in this country think we should confront the terrorists with force. Also, most people in America believe in civil liberties such as equality and free speech, that is precisely why we fight. If you are against both of these things, then you're obviously on the wrong side...

Thai sign as noon, sang Isiah T.

Here's one guy I would NOT welcome back to Detroit: Isiah Thomas. Ironically, he's had a much better history in Detroit sports than C-Webb, but he also happens to be a first-class asshole (or as George Costanza would say, "The jerk store called...")

Dear Isiah,
Please stay in New York, the Knicks need you!!!!!!
Love,
Shap